Supporting a friend or family member after they’ve experienced a loss can be challenging. It’s natural to feel unsure about what to say or do, but your presence and compassion can make a significant difference during this difficult time. Here are some practical tips and guidelines to help you navigate this delicate situation.

Acknowledge the loss

Do: Acknowledge the loss as soon as possible. Whether through a phone call, text, or in person, let the person know you’re aware of their situation and are there for them. A simple, heartfelt message like, “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here if you need anything,” can provide comfort.

Don’t: Avoid the topic or ignore the person because you don’t know what to say. Silence can be interpreted as indifference or discomfort, which can hurt the grieving person.

Offer specific help

Do: Offer concrete and specific assistance rather than a vague “Let me know if you need anything.” For example, you could say, “Can I bring over dinner this week?” or “I can take the kids to school if you need a break.” Grieving individuals may be overwhelmed and may not know what they need, so specific offers can be more helpful.

Don’t: Make offers that you cannot fulfil or that might add pressure. If you offer help, be prepared to follow through.

Be present and listen

Do: Be physically and emotionally present. Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is simply sit with them, listen, and offer a shoulder to cry on. Let them express their feelings without judgment or interruption.

Don’t: Feel the need to fill silence with words. Avoid offering clichés like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason,” as these can feel dismissive of the person’s grief.

Respect their grieving process

Do: Understand that everyone grieves differently, and there is no right or wrong way to do it. Some may want to talk about their loved one, while others might need space and time alone. Be patient and supportive of their individual process.

Don’t: Push them to grieve in a certain way or according to a particular timeline. Statements like “You should be feeling better by now” or “You need to move on” are harmful and unhelpful.

Keep checking in

Do: Continue to check in on your friend or family member after the initial period of loss. Grief doesn’t have a set timeframe, and they may need support weeks, months, or even years later. Simple messages or gestures of support can go a long way.

Don’t: Assume that they’re “over it” because time has passed or they seem okay on the surface. Grief can be ongoing and may resurface unexpectedly.

Offer long term support

Do: Understand that grief can last a long time, and anniversaries, holidays, and special occasions can be particularly difficult. Mark these dates on your calendar and reach out to offer support during these times.

Don’t: Disappear after the initial outpouring of support. The grieving person might feel abandoned or isolated if people stop checking in after a few weeks.

Encourage professional help if needed

Do: Gently encourage your friend or family member to seek professional help if they seem stuck in their grief or are struggling to cope. Therapists, grief counsellors, and support groups can provide additional support that goes beyond what friends and family can offer.

Don’t: Attempt to play the role of a therapist yourself unless you are qualified. While it’s important to be supportive, recognising the limits of what you can offer is crucial.

Supporting someone after a loss requires sensitivity, patience, and compassion. By acknowledging their pain, offering specific help, listening without judgment, and respecting their grieving process, you can provide meaningful support during a time of profound loss. Remember, your presence and willingness to help can make a significant difference as they navigate their grief.

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References

1. Mayo Clinic. (2020). Grief: Coping with reminders after a loss. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/grief-coping-with-reminders-after-a-loss/art-20360374
2. HelpGuide. (2023). Supporting a Grieving Person: What to Do and What Not to Do. Retrieved from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/supporting-a-grieving-person.htm
3. American Psychological Association (APA). (2019). The Road to Resilience. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/grief
4. Harvard Health Publishing. (2021). Understanding grief and loss: An overview. Retrieved from https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/understanding-grief-and-loss
5. National Institute on Aging. (2021). Mourning the death of a spouse. Retrieved from https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/mourning-death-spouse
6. Cruse Bereavement Support. (2022). How to help someone who is bereaved. Retrieved from https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/for-parents/how-to-help-someone-who-is-bereaved
7. NHS. (2021). How to cope with grief and loss. Retrieved from https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/grief-bereavement-loss/